What is perfection??

by Concerned struggling mom
(Fairfield county, CT)

45 year old mother of one 5’5 and 138 lbs. Measurements 34-26-36. Hourglass shape. Ok... so it's now almost 2:30am here in Fairfield County, CT and I am up reading all about perfect body size and shape after spending the whole day at eating disordered partial hospitalization program. So, according to what I’ve read and have deduced from the math... I am pretty close to the perfect body form white middle aged mother.

Unfortunately, it’s just not that easy to reason in my head, in my disordered head... this 45 year old Mom should be closer to 120 lbs with a shrinking waists line. My jeans size should be a size 0-2 and my bones protruding out my neck and hips, and barely able to function daily w malnutrition and critically low potassium levels that leaves me in the hospital for 7-10 days on average. I say this because this is what I have been through roughly 4 times in the last few years.. with 3 hospitalizations, one being for eating disorder in a residential treatment for a month within the past 18 months alone. So, when I see articles that are so "insightful" to some, motivational to others, or even like in my case, detrimental to my health and well-being, both physically and mentally, I find it hard to just take it so lightly. There are basic BMI calculators and numbers which should be used first and foremost to measure your physical health and weight issues. Plus.. your body shape is truly determined by your bone structure, which can not be truly ascertained by waist-to-hip ratios or measurements. I just plead with anyone who is struggling, think they may be on the verge of struggling, or in my case, raising an impressionable young daughter.. 9 Years old, to not make the same mistakes I have made and struggle with my own daily struggle to change my ways of disordered thinking and the dangerous games I have played with my weight and nutrition.

At the end of the day, beauty is, and always will be, in the eye of the beholder, so long as you are healthy and eating right, anyone who is worth their “weight” in being a decent person will love and accept u for who you are. NOT WHAT THE SCALE SAYS, or WHAT SIZE YOUR JEANS ARE, or if u share a body shape with an air brushed and impossibly thin celeb!! Sorry if this is so preachy, it’s trying to keep someone else from going down the same path, spare his/her family undue heartache & stress, and most important to me...keep them from making potential mistakes I could’ve avoided in raising my healthy, well adjusted daughter!! She will hopefully never have to travel my eating disordered path so long as I stay on my meal plan, keep up my treatment and speak out I'm only as sick as my secrets!!! Thx for letting me air my concerns & perhaps help just one person sitting home reading may realize they are enough!! As is!!! Disordered thinking no more!!! Here’s to a much healthier and happy new year to me & my supports!!

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